(Telegraph) – So this is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with hordes of clowns running through the streets, frozen red-lipped grins on their white, dead-eyed faces, chainsaws revving, children screaming.
To paraphrase George Orwell, if you want a picture of the future, imagine a clown shoe stamping on the human face – forever.
How did it come to this? How has the “killer clown craze” (with the caveat that nobody has actually been killed – YET) so swiftly overwhelmed Western civilisation? One by one, our mightiest citadels have been stormed, from Walsall to Plymouth, from Sudbury to Loughborough. A nation – a world – is afeared.
The Internet, thank God, is on the case. In the spirit of investigation – for the sake of the far-future aliens who, millennia from now, will touch down on our cold, dead planet, and survey the rubble, the dust, the rusted, burnt-out husks of clown cars, and wonder what happened – we have studied the best research into the Case of the (Not Yet) Killer Clowns.
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Which is the most compelling account of what we will refer to as the clownspiracy? Come, take my hand, and let us find out.
It’s an Illuminati conspiracy
Not only that, but it’s orchestrated by McDonald’s. We know this thanks to an intrepid whistleblower known only as “Bruce”, who writes about this and other Illuminati matters on his blog, the enticingly-titled illuminatiwatchdog.blogspot.co.uk.
Here’s Bruce and his 2013 treatise on “McDonald’s, Mind Control and the Illuminati.” Ronald McDonald, he says, is a “subtle representation of Satan”.
With a head of red hair and face paint reminiscent of heathen rituals, this classic image is little more than a farce.
In actuality, the clown was designed by the Illuminati to appeal to children in order to make them more susceptible to notions of Satan and hell.
And why the recent spate of clown sightings? Reddit user 911bodysnatchers322 says that clowns are a trigger for monarch mind control, which is the use of discreet symbols to force unwittingly pre-conditioned individuals to carry out a mission planted earlier in their heads.
Hollywood did it
Somewhere in Tinseltown, a film producer clasping her hands to her face watches the news through her fingers. This has gone way too far, she thinks.
So goes another killer clown theory – that it is a Hollywood publicity stunt gone wrong. New Line Cinema has been forced to deny the rumours that the craze began as a marketing campaign for their remake of It, the Stephen King-inspired, clown-heavy horror film.
Fear of clowns – coulrophobia, if you really must – is nothing new. But why here? Why now? Haven’t we suffered enough?
Actually, says Robert Bartholomew, it has everything to do with 2016 and how appalling it’s been. The sociologist told Lehigh Valley Live, a regional newspaper in New Jersey, that clown sightings are a reflection of fear and uncertainty in modern society.
I think they are part of a greater moral panic about the fear of strangers in an increasingly urban, impersonal and unpredictable world. Phantom clowns are essentially the bogeyman in a different cultural guise.
He likens it to panics about aliens, Bigfoot, and stranger danger, and points out that in many cases the clowns are spotted by unreliable witnesses – children – and leave few traces.
That said, some bloke in Caerphilly has already been fined by the policefor dressing as a clown to scare the local kids. Phantom menace he ain’t.